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Where the Hell is Moses Kuria?

It seems Moses Kuria, the man of many portfolios, embarked on a whirlwind adventure through the halls of government, only to find himself in a comedic conundrum. Starting off strong as the Cabinet Secretary for Investments, Trade, and Industry, he was the talk of the town. But alas, fate had other plans. In a twist fit for a sitcom, Kuria found himself shuffled over to the Public Service portfolio faster than you can say "bureaucratic shuffle". Then, the plot thickened! In a classic case of diplomatic drama, the US Trade Representative, Katherine Tai, decided to give Kuria a cold shoulder after cancelling not one, but two meetings with him. The reason? His "foul mouth". Oh, the irony! It seems even the most seasoned politicians can't escape the wrath of a sharp tongue. Since then, Kuria has seemingly vanished into thin air, keeping a low profile that would make even Bigfoot jealous. Rumour has it he's taken up residence in a cozy cave somewhere, pondering th
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"Wacha kuniuliza swali ya upumbavu," Kibaki tells foreign journalist

Indications are that Emilio Mwai Kibaki is not going to relinquish power easily, and is suffering from the African Big Man syndrome. We are reliably informed that Security minister John Michuki has put the paramilitary GSU on red alert. A daily newspaper has reported that on being asked by a foreign journalist whether he will concede defeat, he replied in Kiswahili: "Wacha kuniuliza swali ya upumbavu!" What he was really telling the journalist was "Stop asking me stupid questions!"

Pumbavu is a word that has come to be closely associated with Kibaki. During the 2005 Constitutional Referendum, he was known to drop the word at will, mostly in reference to his nemesis Raila, but he was also quoted calling Kenyans the same because they were bound to vote with Orange (NO) in the referendum. Kenyans voted "NO" in the end, and showed him who the real "pumbavu" was. Well, the stakes are much higher this time, and all indications are that Kenyans are on the verge of voting him out. Whatever Kibaki is up to, Kenyans will not take it lying down. All parliamentary results are in, but the ECK is still juggling about with the presidential results, ostensibly to allow for Kibaki votes to tinker in from certain areas. Is it stands, Raila is set to win even with the rigging going on.

Central province is reporting record voter turnout, but the presidential results from the Mount Kenya region are at odds with the parliamentary ones. The downside of this kind of blatant voting is that Kibaki, if he wins, will be left in the curious situation where he is "elected" solely on the "strength" of Central Kenya votes, not to mention a serious minority in Parliament. If he succeeds in rigging himself to a second term, he will surely not survive the ensuing Vote of No Confidence.

Kenyans are tired of waiting for ECK to announce results, and already skirmishes have erupted in Nairobi, Kisumu, Mombasa, Migori, Eldoret and Kakamega. We are reliably informed of gunfire in parts of Nairobi, and our sources also inform us that the US government has called Kibaki and told him to step down honourably, in the face of a blatant defeat, but the man has refused.
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