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Thursday, February 14, 2008

The truth behind Moi's hospitalisation on account of a "strained back"

Retired President Daniel arap Moi fell in the corridors of State House, years after Kenyans threw him out of there, and strained his back leading to his hospitalisation at the Nairobi Hospital, we can now reveal. What is shocking is the events and mystery surrounding the sudden requirement for hospitalization by the former strongman who ruled Kenya with an iron fist for an uninterrupted 24 years.

Moi, who served as bandit president Kibaki's point man in the vote-rich Rift Valley province suffered a major setback when, upon successfully staging a civilian coup, the MP for Othaya was to have a tête-à-tête with him... you guessed right! Serial Slapper Lucifer Kibaki upon noticing Moi, went to him with her charactersitic infuriation, hurling unprintables and attempting, in an utter show of disrespect, to spank the old man.

It is whispered that Moi, who has never known anybody to stand up to him, smelled blood and decided to duck but he was not lucky. "Mzee turned quickly, miscued his steps and fell back so fast that his security details could not cushion him since they were busy shielding the marauding first lady from reaching him", said our reliable source who sought not to be revealed owing to the sensitivity of this matter. It was the thud of his fall that strained his back, but luckily Moi was unhurt. Moi was hospitalized at Nairobi hospital, treated for shock and the backache and the events surrounding the complications had been well kept until it was alleged that Lucifer bragged about it.

Our source says Lucifer was upset that Gitobu Imanyara was telling the whole world about their altercation in the hallowed corridors of power "na yure Mnandi Moi hanja sema kitu kuhusu kuaguka niripotaka kumuchapa", she was reported to have bragged. It is reported that bandit president Kibaki was shocked beyond words by this irreverent attitude by his obviously psychotic wife. Lucy has since been tethered to restricted areas in State House.

It will be remembered that in his half century of politics, Moi was never seriously ill and not many people remember the last time he was hospitalized except when in the 1990s he had to go public to dispell rumours that he was dead. The 83 year-old Moi is an energetic man. Lucifer seems to have demystified that and we can now reveal that just like in the Gitobu Imanyara case, a lot of cajoling and threatening has gone into muzzling the witnesses of the embarrassing Moi slapping episode. Our source believes that Lucifer actually shot and wounded her son Jimmy, who was then kept incommunicado, which explains why upon reappearing in public last week to deny that his mother shot him, he actually looked overwheight. The weight was gained while he was being fed on his sick bed.

It is believed that Lucifer was upset with Moi's inability to deliver the vote-rich Rift Valley to Panua. Bandit president Kibaki was whitewashed by the peoples' president Raila Odinga in the Rift Valley. The Kalenjin rejected Panua and Moi with fury, felling Moi's three sons Gideon (Baringo Central), Johnathan (Koibatek) and Raymond (Rongai). Moi's private secretary and protégé John Lokorio was totally eclipsed by the ODM's Cheptumo in Baringo North. In the aftermath of the stolen presidential vote, the irate Kalenjin wrought damage to Moi's property including burning down residential and factory buildings. Lucifer was aware that Moi was not an asset to the bandit presidency which led her to behave as she did. Moi ruled Kenya without a first lady. He was separated from Lenah, who has since passed on. It is widely acknowledged that Moi has little respect for women meddling in politics, least of all a deranged bandit first lady lording over his dear State House.

In another twist, the dreaded Nchuri Ncheke council of the temperamental Ameru has threatened to curse the Kibaki clan unless they provide a goat. It is said that they demanded that the bandit first family take the goat themselves and not through emissaries as a sign of humility. They had wanted the goat delivered immediately but are understood to have changed their appointment due to the Annan mediation. This follows Imanyara's sensational charge that Lucy assaulted and insulted him at State House. The story is so popular that cartoonists are taking it a notch higher.

Among the Ameru of Kenya, folklore asserts that to suffer as much as a finger wagging from a woman should consign a man to long periods of shame and embarrassment that can only be cleansed by a befitting sacrifice to the council of elders – the Nchuri Ncheke. This cleansing is required for Imanyara, the sacrifice must be provided by the bandit family or they face the last strike, the dreaded curse before the elders.

The Nchuri Ncheke is an assembly largely comprising of snuff-sniffing, muratina-inebriated and green-teethed miraa addicts. Perhaps because it is largely a Kangaroo court that exists to profit from vestigial cultural rules and regulations, many threatened with natural extinction, it can sometimes be rabid in its stipulation of penalties and enforcement.

Meanwhile, we can now reveal the secretive meeting point of the mediation team "away from the glare of the media". The Annan team was last night spirited away to a lodge inside Tsavo West National Park in southeastern Kenya.

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