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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The tribulations of one Kalembe Ndile

Marriage
Kalembe's Girl Friend: I'm one year older than you... will it bad for our marriage?
Kalembe: No, not at all. We'll marry next year!


Hidden Cameras
Mrs Kalembe caught Kalembe searching high and low all around his living room.
Mrs Kalembe: What are you searching for?
Kalembe: Hidden cameras!
Mrs Kalembe: And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?
Kalembe: That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Every few minutes he keeps saying, "You are watching KBC channel 1." How does he know that?


Relaxing
Kalembe was enjoying the sun at the beach in Mtwapa. A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing?" Kalembe answered, "No, I am Kalembe."

Another guy came and asked him the same question. Kalembe answered, "No! No! Me Kalembe Ndile!" A third one came and asked him the same question again. Kalembe was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another person soaking in the sun.

He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" The other man was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing." Whereupon, Kalembe slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are just sitting over here!'

Heaven
Kalembe died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance, each soul must answer two simple questions: 1. Name two days of the week that begin with the letter 'T'. 2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Kalembe thought for a few minutes and answered: 1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow. 2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?" Kalembe replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..." Saint Peter opened the gate without further ado.

The Wash Basin
Kalembe goes to a hotel in Machakos and eats heartily. After the meal, he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him,"Sir, what are you doing?" Kalembe replies, "Read this board here. It says 'Wash Basin.' "

English Exam
Kalembe finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how he did in the exam. He replied, "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, and thought, at last I wrote THUNK."


Answer the following questions in brief
Kalembe is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt and throws it away as well, quickly followed by his pant, socks and watch.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks: "What is going on?" Answers Kalembe: "I am only following the instructions. it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief.' "

Essay
The English teacher told all the students in the class to write an essay on a football match. All were busy writing except Kalembe. On his foolscap, he had written: DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!

The Petition Court server
Petition server: I have to come 5 miles to deliver to you this election petition!
Kalemebe: Why did you come so far ? Instead you could have posted it!

Coffee Shop
Kalembe and his wife went to a coffee shop. Kalembe said, "Hurry up... drink quickly!" His wife asked: "Why?" Kalembe said, "Hot coffee Sh. 15 and, Cold Coffee Sh. 25!"

Letter to his Son
Kalembe was writing something very slowly. A Friend came and asked: "Why are you writing so slowly?" Kalembe replied: "I'm writing to my 6 years old son. He can't read very fast, you know..."


Lesbianism
At a party, Kalembe sees a beautiful girl and invites her to dance with him.
Kalembe: Can I dance with u?
Girl: I'm sorry, I'm a lesbian.
Kalembe: It's ok, its ok. I'm a Kibwezian!

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