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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Conspiracy theory: Who has been running Kenya all along

Conspiracy theory extraordinaire. Thanks to my brilliant correspondent in Nairobi...

Have I told you about my theory as to who's been running this country? Mama Ngina Kenyatta. And this is why:

Kenyatta (Jomo the Kleptocrat) became president of the republic at 76; that was way back in ‘63.

At 76, I honestly don't think he had the balls to steal and kill as much as he did. Meanwhile, Mama Ngina was in her 20s when she married him, and had all the energy to first and foremost, chase away all of Kenyatta's previous wives, and secondly, to steal land and kill everyone in her way. It is said Kenyatta got his first comma in 1970…

So, for most of Kenyatta's presidency, the old geezer was in autopilot as Ngina called the shots, including “tuning” Kibaki and Njonjo to support Moi after Kenyatta wore the wooden kimono. Enter Moi, and he owes her a big favour. It was only logical then that during the Nyayo Error she amassed more wealth, through business or otherwise.

Come Moi's succession, and it was automatic that he endorses her son to take over. Then Raila screwed up the whole plan with Kibaki Tosha!

The plot thickens. In Kibaki's first two years, she had no grip on what was cutting. She was lost. Now, remember when Karua quit government, she said there is a group of people opposed to reform? That’s what got me thinking and I slowly formed this theory.

Who would be so opposed to reforms in this country? And who would have the resources to so vehemently oppose them? It all points to the scheming Bitch! Kenyatta’s widow! If land reforms happen, she'll lose all that land she owns, the size of Nyanza Province. If political and constitutional reforms happen, she'll lose the dream of her and her son inheriting the Kingdom that Jomo once ruled. Think about it.

So, now back to Kibaki Tosha. If you read Michela Wrong's book It's our turn to Eat (which by the way I saw in a Kampala bookshop during my travels - it is banned in Kenya), she narrates how Githongo went to see Kibaki about the time he (Kibaki) got a stroke - only to find the geezer didn't know his elbow from his knee. He was completely incapacitated.

Githongo then says that a group of his (Kibaki’s) cronies quickly ringed Kibaki and took charge. And of course, the first order of business was to
boot Raila out from the MoU.

In my theory, that is when Mama Ngina got her gap; got the Kikuyus to ring in Kibaki. She then got Muthaura to run government on their behalf. Having had the experience of running government on behalf of a comatose Jomo Kenyatta, she showed Muthaura everything he needed to do. And so Muthaura has been running government on behalf of the Bitch.

Now, fast forward to December 2007, and who is running government? Muthaura on behalf of Mama Ngina. I'm convinced it is Muthaura who schemed to steal the election and used Martha and co. to do it.

Now the ONE thing, the one thing Mama Ngina didn't factor in her impeccable plans, was the OTHER LUO. The LUO who became POTUS—President Of The United States—who has made it a personal agenda to avenge the shit the Kikuyus piled on his father.

Remember there was no post known as Under Secretary of State for African Affairs in the U.S. government? When he appointed Johnny Carson to the job on a Friday, Carson was in Nairobi on the Monday!

Carson comes and meets Kibaki and tells the "two principals" to look sharp. He meets Raila the next day, and says Raila is “a champion of fighting for democracy.” Meanwhile, Raila was in Chicago a few weeks before Johnny Carson got the job. Remember? I privately theorised that he met Obama privately in Chicago, a theory that's now been confirmed!

Raila and Obama made a plan. And the next thing, Kofi Annan is giving the Waki Envelope to Moreno-Ocampo. Remember? That was all Obama's doing. Obama then goes to Ghana and tells them how his father could never rise in government in Kenya, despite his brilliance and his Harvard education, because of his tribe! The man is on a mission…

Now, I think that at some point in the Raila-Obama scheme, Muthaura got wind of what was coming, or was plainly told about it. The pensioner sees the writing on the wall and gets a fucking heart attack, which completely cripples Mama Ngina's hold on government. Before you know it, Kibaki is having lunch at Raila's digs! And Mama Ngina has no clue what the fuck is happening!

Then the Raila-Obama scheme culminated with Kibaki asking Raila to spearhead Agenda 4, which deals with past injustices (read dismantling Mama Ngina and her hold on the government and power in this country). Are you surprised then that one of the two Deputy Prime Ministers was having nothing to do with that function?

Does my theory make sense?

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