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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Bring back Hellon, Arunga and the entire Finger of God circus!

June came and went, awakening the sudden realisation that while Kenya slept, Larry King might have quietly sneaked into Kenya to conduct a CNN Live interview with jazz maestro Joseph Hellon.

It is quite typical of these celebrity types nowadays to sneak in, do their thing and take a powder — in the fashion of Naomi Campbell, Michael Douglas and Jose Mourinho. No one can say they were not warned. Prophecy had decreed that in June, this year of our Lord, Larry King would travel to Runda, Nairobi, to cajole and probe the saxophonist on home ground at his Finger of God church into revealing the specific plans he has for Kenya and the world. The very public visit by US Vice-President Joseph Biden last month could have been nothing more than the distraction needed to allow Mr King to interview Kenya’s future leadership without being mobbed by celebrity groupies.

Mr Hellon, who has since acquired new alternate identities as Vendetta Super Nova or Crab Nebula, to avoid being mobbed, launched the Placenta Party of Kenya and now he needs an outlet into the world for his ideas. Seeing that he will be running for President in 2012 on the party’s ticket, with former television anchor Esther Timberlake (née Arunga) as his running mate, global media such as CNN are critical in reaching the millions of Kenyans in the Diaspora who will vote the pair in.

News that Larry King, who is “hanging up his suspenders” after 25 years of asking questions to presidents, prime ministers and other important people in the world, will be replaced by Piers Morgan is quite distressing. Obviously, not many people will want to hear about Vendetta Super Nova if he were to be interviewed by some nondescript British editor.

Vendetta himself is overqualified to lead Kenya since, in the music pecking order, a saxophonist is cleverer than a disc jockey, yet the people made Andry Rajoelina President of Madagascar. The mastermind of the political plan to take back Kenya, according to Vendetta, is Mr Quincy Timberlake — a man of such brilliance and talent that authorities are afraid of him and continuously persecute him with arrests, court charges and detention in the manner of a freedom fighter. Just as well that the Kenyan authorities heeded the entreaties of Vendetta not to touch a hair on Mr Timberlake’s back when he was in custody. Mr Timberlake, whose safety alone has guaranteed peace and the avoidance of outbreaks of spontaneous violence and rioting in Nyanza, Rift Valley and Nairobi, will be Prime Minister in the Vendetta government. Never mind that the position of Prime Minister of Kenya will lapse in 2012 whether there is a new constitution or not.

As Kenya entered the official campaign period, with the Yes and No camps fatigued by weeks of word slinging, citizens are sending out urgent and desperate pleas to the Placenta Party to show them the way.
The absence of the party and its top leadership from the referendum has left the campaigns in a lurch.
Kenyans are confused between colour symbols and choices. They need direction to avoid making a choice that could steep the country in cultism, freemasonry and other evils.

Already, the Placenta Party, whose colours are red, blue and white, has made a strong showing in by-elections held in Kenya so far, significantly reducing the influence of the big parties and signalling, as their slogan suggests, that Kenyans are taking their country back. Vendetta explained the colours to a Nairobi radio station: “The red stands for torture … being sedated … Blue stands for prosperity and white symbolises the earth of transparency; we will be transparent in all that we do.” With milk as their official drink, it can get very confusing when followers have to pick a colour.

Understandably, after hosting Larry King, the party might want to concentrate on impressing its next high-profile visitor, Mrs Sarah Palin, later in the year. People had dismissed Mrs Palin as a spent force when she resigned as Governor of Alaska, leaving the border with Russia to become a headache for President Barack Obama. Then she went on and started the Tea Party and has been winning elections left, right and centre. Kenya waits with bated breath for the visit of Mrs Palin, who is expected to bring lessons on how to shoot moose, breastfeed grandchildren, use flashcards during speeches, and to train Kenya’s vice-president-in-waiting, Mrs Timberlake.

The country needs the Placenta Party to speak up about the Proposed Constitution and tell them whether to vote Red or Green. In the months they have been away from the public limelight, a dangerous political paralysis has set in.

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