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Monday, June 20, 2011

Public service to men - how to answer 5 tough questions

5 of the toughest questions a woman can ask a man are:

• What are you thinking about?
• Do you love me?
• Do I look fat?
• Do you think she is prettier than me?
• What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a) Formula 1.
b) Football.
c) How fat you are.
d) How much prettier she is than you.
e) How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

a) I suppose so.
b) Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c) That depends on what you mean by love.
d) Does it matter?
e) Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

a) Compared to what?
b) I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c) A little extra weight looks good on you.
d) I've seen fatter.
e) Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

a) Yes, but you have a better personality.
b) Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c) Not as pretty as you, when you were her age.
d) Define 'pretty'...
e) Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Subaru Imprezza WRX!"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

She: Would you get married again?
He: Definitely not!
She: Why not - don't you like being married?
He: Of course I do.
She: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
He: Okay, I'd get married again.
She: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
He: Yes, I would.
She: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
He: Where else would we sleep?
She: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
He: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
She: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
He: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

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