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Monday, June 20, 2011

Public service to men - how to answer 5 tough questions

5 of the toughest questions a woman can ask a man are:

• What are you thinking about?
• Do you love me?
• Do I look fat?
• Do you think she is prettier than me?
• What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a) Formula 1.
b) Football.
c) How fat you are.
d) How much prettier she is than you.
e) How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

a) I suppose so.
b) Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c) That depends on what you mean by love.
d) Does it matter?
e) Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

a) Compared to what?
b) I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c) A little extra weight looks good on you.
d) I've seen fatter.
e) Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

a) Yes, but you have a better personality.
b) Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c) Not as pretty as you, when you were her age.
d) Define 'pretty'...
e) Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Subaru Imprezza WRX!"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

She: Would you get married again?
He: Definitely not!
She: Why not - don't you like being married?
He: Of course I do.
She: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
He: Okay, I'd get married again.
She: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
He: Yes, I would.
She: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
He: Where else would we sleep?
She: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
He: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
She: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
He: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Beautiful coloured lies of tribal stereotypes that define Kenyans


THE KALENJIN
Has one Wife
Has one girlfriend
But he loves his wife more

THE KIKUYU
Has one wife
Has one girlfriend
But he loves his girlfriend more

THE TESO
Has one wife
Has one girlfriend
But he loves the house maid more

THE LUHYA
Has two wives
Has two girlfriends
He loves the wife's sisters more

THE COASTERIAN
Has 4 wives
Has 0 girlfriends
He loves the house boy more

THE JALUO
Has 4 wives
Has 4 girlfriends
He loves his neighbour's wife more

THE KAMBA
Has one, two, three, wives
Has several girlfriends
He loves the barmaid more

THE KISII / MERU
One wife, many girl friends
He will beat all of them

THE MASAI
Two wives
One girlfriend
He loves his cows more

THE SOMALI
Four wives
No girl friend
Loves his miraa more