This is not me, though I wish I had someone to take it out on. For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know; take it out on someone you don't know...I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Kamau. Could I please speak with Susan Wairimu?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Susan's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number...
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Omollo from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a GREY Toyota cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window - so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial by now), I thought I had better call the Toyota asshole too.
I said, "Is this the man with the Grey Toyota for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes. I live at BuruBuru Phase 2, house number 398. It's a Blue house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is George Mutua ," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, George?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, George, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"George, you're an asshole."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up).
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is George Mutua."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at Buruburu Ph2 Hse No398, a blue house, with my GREY Toyota parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, George. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what, asshole?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at Buru Buru Phase 2, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called NTV and KTN about the Mungiki war going down on in BuruBuru Phase 2.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to BuruBuru Phase 2.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew. Now I feel better...
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