Ruto's factotums are disembarking from the Kenya Kwanza sinking ship like rats who just realised the cheese is poisoned.
Hot on the heels of Molo MP Kuria Kimani being driven to drink following the rigours and sheer jeopardy of supporting William Ruto's Finance Bill 2024, aka Satan's bill, Dagoretti South MP John "KJ' Kiarie has himself taken to literary pursuits to mitigate.Penning a heartfelt letter to Kenyans, apologising for reading the national mood with a broken thermometer, KJ did not miss a beat as he deeply regretted his parliamentary faux pas.
"As an expert photo editor," the impassioned member for Dagoretti South declared to clapping and cheering jUDAs colleagues last week inside Parliament as angry #OccupyParliament throngs camped right outside, "I can tell you photos were edited to look like Gen Z was protesting in Nairobi!"But reading the public mood accurately on Monday, after parliamentary passions subsided and cold reality hit home, KJ wasted no time tucking his tail between his legs as he sounded the retreat.
"I TRULY APOLOGISE for the comments I made regarding the protests and the authenticity of certain images," he wrote in a long-winded X post, a feeble stab at salvation, long after the train had left the station.
"In the heat of the moment during the debate on the finance bill, my words were unnecessary, misguided and insensitive."
"I deeply regret my utterances and understand the anger and frustration that exists in our nation—anger that stems from decades of unresolved but potent national issues."
"Having been a part of movements for social justice and human rights in the past, I acknowledge the importance of vigilance and popular agitation for a better Kenya."
"I appreciate the courage and creativity shown by the younger generation in advocating for change through innovative means, including social media and other emerging technologies."
"I am sincerely sorry for any provocation, hurt or confusion my words may have caused."
"I have certainly learnt a lot from this and from all the active listening and engagements that I have been doing this weekend."It is at once a sad and ironically sobering reality that the member for Dagoretti South has accurately transmogrified into the vile sycophantic caricatures he built his comedy career lampooning. (It is being loudly whispered that he is yet to read the Finance Bill 2024. As if that would prevent him from voting for it.)
JJ, KJ. Just one tiny step forward in the alphabet...it was almost ordained. Which only marks one giant leap backwards for the good people of Dagoretti South who entrusted their lot and livelihoods into this muppet's treacherous hands.
But perhaps the weekend did dawn on him the gravity of his betrayal after all and, calculating that the KSh 2 million he pocketed to vote yes to Satan's bill last Thursday might not come knocking again for Tuesday's vote, and would nary last for the rest of his life after Dagorettians evict him in 2027 or recall him much sooner—whichever comes first—KJ woke up on Monday with a new resolve: abandon ship!
Realising that fighting 54 million Kenyans, alone, is Herculean a task as they come, certainly harder than earning a parliamentary kickback, he quickly took up pen and paper. But this time he had more than cartoons and doodles on his mind.A #TotalRecall was a real possibility, the terrifying prospect that broke his back. It is evident from his hurriedly composed epistle that KJ had no time to waste, not even the 20 seconds it would take his high-end photo editing computer to boot up and type it. Accordingly, he wrote it right there in bed before getting up to begin the hard work of betraying Kenyans.
And so, the question remains: as a fresh round of voting on Satan's bill unfolds today, is KJ forgiven? Do you accept his handwritten apology? Are you counting on him to do the right thing this time, now that fate has dealt him a second chance at redemption?
Only time will tell. And by time, I mean a couple of hours. So, in the eternal words of Parker Lewis, "Synchronise watches!
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